Funmi Akingbade
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Many
couples believe that when it comes to good sex, if you can’t beat them
surely you can join them. They fake everything about sex from the
beginning to the end. After many rounds of faking, sex becomes
predictable and discarded. Some couples fight to regain the spark back
and make blue films their guiding light but yet after a while they
wonder; no explosions of passion. No breathy proclamations of desire, no
tumultuous climax.
How can everyone in movies be having fiery, combustible sex when we barely create a spark?
Relax. Do you know that TV shows and
movies give us this much lopsided representation of what sex is supposed
to be like. Everyone seems to be climaxing and having orgasms all the
time from whatever they’re doing. They make you believe something is
wrong with you or your spouse. Sex in the real world isn’t always
perfect, and it doesn’t have to always end with an earth-shattering
climax. Real-life sex can almost never measure up to the passion
portrayed on the screen. Because films don’t talk about the fact that
it’s likely that in an odd position, the acting couples pass gas or the
love of their life has bad breath while they kiss. Or the shape and
weight of their spouse is a big hindrance.
Even when everything else in the
relationship is working, sexual styles aren’t always compatible. You
like long foreplay sessions. Your spouse may be ready to go in an
instant. You long for wet, sensual kisses. He prefers dry, chaste pecks.
Sex is not just naturally perfect most time.
The mistake many couples make is
expecting the energy, sexual excitement, eagerness and the passion of
their sex life when their relationship was still new to continue for
ever. But as time goes on they forget that it is better to learn how to
dance together and bump noses or knees instead of faking passion and
orgasm.
Long-term couples can easily tell their
spouses what dress or shirt they like them to wear, or what they like
for dinner, but they tend to get tongue-tied when it comes to the topic
of sex and rather result to faking than enjoyment. They’re afraid of
hurting their partners’ feelings, so they don’t tell them what they like
or don’t like. But you’re not going to get it unless you ask for it.
So how do I tell my partner what I want
without bruising his or her ego? I think it’s really in how you bring up
the statement; you can have the conversation whenever and wherever it’s
most comfortable for you. But before you talk, you need to know exactly
what it is about your sex life that bothers you. Is it a question of
technique? personal hygiene? timing? Once you know what isn’t working
for you there are things you can suggest that can ease those
circumstances ‘I would love it if we…’ or, ‘could we try this?’ if
something about your partner’s smell is turning you off, suggest taking a
bath together before making love. If you crave more foreplay, ask for
slower drive into sex.
After you’ve tried talking and the sex
still isn’t working, experiment together; learn to get to know each
other’s bodies. Try some sex aids. Read books with pictures (such as
Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Funmi Akingbade), or watch an educational
video together not porn, but explicit videos in which a voice-over
explains what’s happening in the scenes. Sometimes, the problem is a
physical one, such as premature ejaculation. Or it may be that the
stress from your job is bleeding over into the bedroom and disrupting
your sex life. In those cases it can help to see a sex therapist. If
you’re faking sex, you’re doing yourselves a disservice because you do
not understand what really turns you both on. If you’re still
unsatisfied, you may wonder if it is ever OK to fake it in bed. Faking
sex will eventually take a toll on the relationship and your spouse is
going to realise that you’re disconnected. And when the other party
notices a disconnection, many things happen to the relationship. Either
one party takes to becoming addicted to cyber-sex, or solo sex or
outright exchange of sex partner and infidelity. Can fake sex ever be
bad enough to consider ending a relationship over? Possibly. Every
couple has the potential to have good sex if you’re willing to put a
little effort into it. Good sex doesn’t necessarily have to be about an
orgasm. It can just be an emotionally fulfilling experience between
spouses.
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